Saturday, June 13, 2009

Incredulousness of Time

Time spent alone, is too often a convenience we are forced to forgo; and since this liberty is often left to the wayside, we often sit pining over the next chance encounter we may get. However in the interim we are surrounded by people who we may or may not care for, but whoever they may be they play a part in our deterrence of remembering those little secrets we fight to forget. It’s no secret that man often creates a guise to hide behind, we all do it, knowingly or not; yet I’d be remiss if I didn’t think that these masks we dawn are to overpowering. Where do we stop and distinguish, that what others believe us to be, and that we truly are? How deep does our masquerade run? If we cannot truly find a way point, how are we to define ourselves? How do we define ourselves? These are all trivial questions, yet I believe that if there were answers, those would truly be worth knowing.

In this façade I wear ever so callow, I often lose who I am. I forget what I wanted, what I struggle for, and only in moments of sterling clarity do I seem to remember. Sanity and security. In my menial day-to-day encounters with the person in the mirror, I’m at times reluctant to believe what I see. This isn’t to say I’m appalled, nor am I overly enthused; I merely strive to see what others do, both the good and the bad. All those malicious, and callous remarks from people of influence I’ve trapped in my memories of yore, and the passing compliments that only from a present few hold any significance.

I would be both arrogant and naïïve to think I was the only one battling these thoughts, however I’ve been known to be both, so there are too often moments such as these where I feel that there isn’t enough questioning. It’s an unfortunate personality defect, where I question everything, even that which shouldn’t be questioned. I feud over moments of simplicity wishing them to be something more; I’m frustrated in situations of complexity yearning for them to be simpler. It ’’s not ironic, but incongruent to a normal thought process I haven’t allowed myself to be happy just for the sake of being happy in too long a time.

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