Wednesday, June 16, 2010
They had been traveling for two straight days now, tensions were rising, and reason wasn’t even something that could be registered. Two hours at best from their destination, they stopped, pulling over in some lost part of Missouri’s backwoods. She had been sitting in the passenger seat all day, waiting for him to get tired so she could take over. Walking out of the gas station he looks over into the car, she was smiling in that obviously guilty way; she had taken control of the driver seat, not to anger him, but seeing an opportunity she ceased it. He crawls into the car, his anger began to grow...he had one goal in mind, and that was it, she could drive after that, but until then he was set on doing this, why? Well… well there wasn’t any real rhyme or reason; it was just something that he needed to do.
She begins to pull out of the parking lot, and quickly they begin to argue.
“I was going to drive us until we got to the city!”
“I know but I’ve just been sitting in the passenger seat for the last 14 hours, and well, I’m fucking sick and tired of it…”
“Well I figured you could drive when we got there, we could get something to eat, and then you can keep driving for as long as you want.”
“It’s almost 10 at night, how late did you think we were going to keep driving?!?”
“Well you’re the one that put me on a goddamn schedule… If it’s 10 I’ll be surprised if anything’s open much longer.”
She pulls off the highway, not telling him that she realized how late it was, and that they probably should find somewhere to eat. She begins to drive aimlessly down a street, hoping that it’s going to take them to some noticeable center of commerce, otherwise she knows full well she couldn’t be accountable for her actions alone with him in the middle of nowhere. After a few minutes she begins to realize that she would be on this road for days without seeing anything worthwhile, so she begins to pull off onto a side road to turn around. His frustrations with her inability to navigate even the simplest things, begins to mount overwhelmingly.
“I can’t stand this… You never listen to me! You just fucking do, whatever makes you happy, and what? I’m suppose to sit here and take it as if what I think, how I feel, it doesn’t mean shit to you?”
“Well you know where the door is, you can leave anytime you want…”
“Are you kidding me? Did you really just threaten me?”
“No I just pointed out the obvious.”
“I can’t stand you right now, I need… Fuck I don’t know what I need, but I know I need at least one goddamn moment to collect my thoughts… get some air or something.”
“If you open that door… If you get out of this car… I will leave.”
“Do whatever the fuck you want, I just know if I stay in this car for another goddamn second, it won’t help either of us, just give me a fucking minute.”
“You get out, you can have all the time in the world, but if you think I won’t leave, that’s your own stupidity, not mine.”
He opens the door… In his mind simple fresh air is all he needs to collect his thoughts, to get back to good. Though they were both being irrational, neither could see the idiocy of their actions or what they were saying to one another. As he closes the door behind himself, she throws the car into reverse and pulls away. She left him there, abandoned on the side of the road, his wallet in the car, his bag in the car, two miles from the closest gas station, and all he had on him was a dying cell phone. Days had certainly been better.
I’ve lost faith. The world I’ve known is slowly starting to crumble into an obscure caricature of what it once was. The days bleed into one another, a byproduct of the nights stealing away any chance to sleep, any chance to let the fear go in the form of some lingering nightmare. I’ve constructed a vehicle for my own demise…not of the physical, but rather of the person I’ve become; everything must be torn down in order to start again.
At a glance it may seem that the backs have been turned, but their hands never seemed to be outstretched to begin with—I think the better explanation may be found in my willingness to accept the situation and instead of brushing away the stinging pain of disappointment and realization, I find the best response is uninterrupted abandonment. The heart would long for salvation, but there is nothing to save, it has all been a forged situation made for its comfort, made for its convenience, as it’s no longer comfortable and convenient, there’s no reason to toss out a lifesaver, but rather let what’s been floundering just drown in into its own darkened abyss.
We are all imperfect, the flaws we hold, though they come together in a divine sense of chaotic bliss, they are the aspects of ourselves which will inevitably tie us permanently, or forever drive those nails into the proverbial coffin. For a time we can fool ourselves and believe this to be a concept that can be fought, that can be denied its grasp over us, but it is much stronger, it is more assured in its actions—it’s unbiased and unwavering, and in that it is beautiful, and terrifying to no extent.