Friday, July 3, 2009

John’s Star

Anything that’s beautiful I blame you, it’s impossible to disconnect the two. I wanted to be a part of every little thing that involved her; I wanted to live in every moment, to take in every sight… These are just a few of the many things I wanted to do. Did I do them? Of course not, we don’t do hardly anything we say we’re going to, instead we continue making ridiculous claims of aspirations and meaning; I don’t know maybe it’s like the process of fishing, we throw these ridiculous nets out there, (our hopeful intent,) and when we pull them back in, we pray that we’ve caught something, (whatever it is that we actually ended up following through with.)
In this situation I can comfortably say that I’m largely the cause. My perception was narrowed, it wasn’t taking in the full scope, I saw what I wanted to… purely myself. I mean, why would I think to look pass myself and at anyone else around? If it wasn’t going to spill over into my life why should I care at all? The unfortunate thing is, not only had I thought this, but I openly sad it several times over, and not in an inebriated state, no, I would tell her… her of all people. The one person I probably shouldn’t have made that claim in front of. Yeah I’m an insensitive prick at times… ok a lot of the time, but I mean come on! Why shouldn’t I be? I’m broken, man. I’ve been tainted since before this whole thing even initially developed. So how did I think the best way for me to grow, for me to adapt to a person who was actually kind and caring towards me was? I thought it best to try and be that naive innocent kid that had first come to university; I was kind, I was gentle, I was chivalrous for fucks sake… Bogey would’ve told me to chill on that.

Now I’m not going to take the easy way out, and inevitably lie about the ordeal and say I blame some girl, and I could—I could make one of the best arguments you’ve heard, you’d eat it out of my hand, and I wouldn’t have to exaggerate a damn thing. You’d be upset for me, and when it’s all said and done, I would gain a little more support and understanding, but that’s pity, and it’s not needed. I’m at a point in my life where I’m supposed to be a grown man… okay maybe that’s a little much, I’m supposed to be grown—meaning I should be able to take care of myself, be at times conscious enough to make my own decisions, which should be the right ones, but honestly I’m still not there, and I don’t feel that guilty… with that being said, there’s still a lot that was purely in my hands, and yeah I should’ve been smart enough to reconsider my actions. Unfortunately hindsight only comes after the fact, and we’re not always able to think so rationally.

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