Sunday, March 7, 2010

It’s Ok

The night was steady… the wind was stiff, and the harbor was resting easily; there were no ships sailing in. They sat at the edge of the pier staring out to the water break against the rocks below; it shimmered in the moon, lighting up the view like sparks fading into a dark empty void. His hand began to creep closely to hers… she pulled away. The wind would peak out every so often making them both shiver; she would go to grab for his embrace, but he would pull away. They fought for each other, yet at the same time they never wanted to get close.

They just sat there, staring absently into the dark blanket that seemed to encompass their world; they were brought together by a simple loneliness, this was no way to live. It was too hard not to be together, but it was too hard to sit next to one another—there was nothing to talk about, they never had anything to talk about. Their relationship could be reduced to nothing more than a few solemn moments of physical bliss, and the occasional embrace that they could find comfort in. They had fooled themselves into believing this to be something of substance; unfortunately it was a mere farce, that neither of them could come to accept. It was easier to live in the ignorance, instead to deal with their own inner demons alone.

She turned to him, trying to draw his attention, instead all she could see was his empty eyes staring out—what was it that he was thinking? Was he thinking about her? If so, why couldn’t he ever address it, why couldn’t he ever make her feel wanted, loved? Didn’t she deserve it? She shrugged it off, and assume that whatever it was, she wasn’t good enough to know, and that was a fault of her own, she had built him up in her mind to be someone truly exceptional… All she could do would be turn her attention back, and try to find solace in her own world.

A few moments passed, and he turned to her… He wanted to reach out, he wanted to console her. He could feel her pain, her frustration, mainly because he had the same feeling. All he wanted to do was to hold her, and tell her that it would be ok, that he loved her—that’s all he ever wanted to do. He could see the light of the moon gleaming through the clouds that seemed to rest as a halo above her head, she looked so beautiful sitting there next to him, and next to him he felt safe. He could never understand why she wouldn’t touch him anymore, how he became so repulsive to her. Her affection for him seemed to have fade with some far away sunset, that they had both forgot… His mind was consumed with thoughts of what he may have done to have lost that attention. The thoughts would quickly shift to trying and figure out how he was lucky to receive it in the first place. Could he ever get it back? He reserved himself to the way things now were, because that’s how they were going to stay, and any different could mean that she would no longer be next to him, and if it was this or nothing, he’d rather this.

So the two sat, in silence—both wanting to hold the other, but being too afraid to. Their love and desire for one another couldn’t be enough to bring them together, in actuality it’s what was driving them apart.

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