Friday, June 18, 2010
They sat there in complete silence. Their worlds had always been too much to overcome, and neither knew what it was to get over that. They fought to keep everything as tranquil as they could, but not out of any reason of love, but out of comfort more than anything else. He had told her everything, at least everything he had to tell; there was no reason in his mind to keep anything from her, but still it felt like there were things she was holding back, things that she could never explain to him… He wasn’t going to push, he may push for a lot of things, but he knew well enough that this is one of those areas you just let go.
“I don’t know what to do with this… this information, I don’t know what to do with you.”
She says looking at her feet.
He turns to her, “I’m sorry, well I am but I’m not. I am sorry that you feel whatever amount of pain you do, but I’m not sorry it happened, not because I want it to happen again, but I am glad it happened. It was sweet, it was innocent… in that moment I felt wanted by someone, and I haven’t felt that in a long time. I haven’t heard you mention anything of the like, I haven’t seen you really feel anything but complacency with me, and though that’s a fair feeling, that’s all it is… fair.”
“So, what? Is this you saying you want it to be over, is this you being done?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well it doesn’t seem like you’re saying anything else. If you’re tired, and if you feel like you’re not getting the most basic requirements out of this relationship, than why wouldn’t it be over? Why wouldn’t you say that?”
“Look, I love you… I long for you… I tell you how much I want to be with you on a daily basis, and I understand, that, that’s something I do, not necessarily something that you d, so I can let the majority of that go… I guess I just want to be reminded every now and then, that you want to be here too, that you feel the same way I do.”
“It’s not that I don’t. I do love you, and I do feel very much the same, but I don’t know how to do that for you.”
“It’s as easy as a compliment… you know over the course of these last few years, I’ve probably received as many compliments as years we’ve been together.”
“I’m not that kind of person, you know that.”
“You’re not the kind of person to give a fucking compliment? What kind of person is unable to give a goddamn compliment? What kind of person doesn’t know how to respond and react to someone’s love and desire for them.”
“A selfish one?”
“Your words, not mine.”
“Well… I don’t know. I don’t know how much I do trust you, or how much that even matters. I don’t know how deep my feelings go, or if that’s even a pertinent question. I’ve heard things, I’ve seen things, all about you, and none of them flattering. I don’t know where you’ve been or who you’ve been with, but I have a fair idea, I have a good understanding, and if that’s what you want to be doing you can go fuck off.”
He stood there, stunned. It would appear as if he was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but in reality he was insulted by the thought. He had just confessed to her, something simple, something sweet, something so seraphic, it would’ve just slipped through the cracks of memory to be forgotten and stored for a rainy day. How could she really feel like he was holding out? There was a point where he wasn’t completely honest with her; there was no denying this, but that time in their lives had gone by, long ago—their childish games had been short-lived in that first phase of their failing romance. The accusations left a bad taste in his mouth, and he didn’t know whether to accept this as a byproduct of what he’s done, or rather fight the words.
“You know you mentioned once that you feel like you can’t TALK to me… Well you can talk, but you want to be able to “talk” to me in the same way that I “talk” to you. I know this is a conversation we’ve had before, how with “you-know-who” I was given the great opportunity to sharpen those skills… Well I worked on them yes, but it’s because they were always there, and it’s nothing more than certainty in actions. Why is it that you can’t say the same things to me? There’s that lack of certainty, there’s that fear of being wrong and having it all go away… Well that fear’s in everyone, not just you; but you still have to have some certainty in what you’re doing. I’ve said many a things I’m not proud about, yes I could’ve put them in a more elegant fashion, I could’ve sugarcoated the words, and I have…but that never works, you never seem to get it.”
She looks away, not knowing how she would react if she continued to watch him.
“I can’t blame anyone for my actions but myself, and I don’t try to, if anything I may help to correlate how they came to be what they are but that’s not justification, just insight… I’m sorry if you’ve never understood that, but that’s what’s there, that’s what I’ve always tried to relate. You can question me, you can question my actions, you can question what we’ve been doing, but I’m not the same person. Those aren’t the things I feel like I need to question, and I’m sorry you don’t get that… Fuck I hate saying, “sorry,” we say that more often than anything else… We say that more than anything else… that truly is a sad sentiment.”
He looks at her, she’s fighting to keep the tears from coming out. He didn’t want it to be over, that wasn’t his intent, he just wanted to be honest with her, it just didn’t matter anymore. They were trying to breathe life back into something that was unceasingly only causing abiding pain. Someday she may be equipped to handle a relationship like this, but today wasn’t that day… neither were the hundreds before it. The silence that fell between them was enough of a response, neither was fighting, neither had the strength anymore, they had just been talking in circles since they met, likely the reason the situation never seemed to have gone pass any real point. He takes a breath, and seeing that she still has nothing to say…
“Oh dysfunction, how sweet you fucking taste sometimes. I suppose this has been a sick form of entertainment; it’s given me something to do, something to look forward to. This relationship has been a pet-project that has only yielded the same results, as learned people we should be wise enough to change the experiment…Change the variables, if you will… I will not be there for you…not anymore… I will not be on the other end of the phone, I will not be a response away, I can’t be. You can’t want me for just you, and expect me not to want a little of you in return. I’m tired of being humiliated, I’m tired of having to walk around with that familiar tail between my legs. I will not fear what’s next, when you’re not there. I will not run from what I’ve done, I accepted it and I’ve always been honest with you. I will not hide the feelings that run through me, nor deny the power they have over me. If silence is the only following act with us, I will endure it, and there may be that nominal amount of pain there to begin with, but sweetheart don’t think it isn’t something I can’t handle… don’t think that it’ll be torturous and painful you’ve been emotionally mute since day one."