Sunday, April 4, 2010
After years with the same person, or rather people, I still feel like I’m trying to understand who they are… essentially I’m still trying to meet them. As with most things in my life I tend to give to much credit to others, hoping their actions and intent are actually something deeper and maybe more profound… Oh how wrong I am. One in particular, she was something short of spectacular, emphasis on the past tense; I was blinded to the faults, as should be the case, but it was the faults that drove us apart, as did my own, and who knows maybe neither one of us actually did anything that could be considered as actual work on the self. I can be very difficult to be around, let alone be with, I know this, others know this of me, but I will always ensure a good time, I will always give you a memory, and furthermore a story.
I’m slowly beginning to understand that complex I have with having my “story” precede myself… I belittle where I’ve been, and what I’ve done, and I do this because this is normal to me, this is how to live, there is no other way, accept you have the here and now, and that’s all that you will ever be guaranteed. We can’t change the past, and planning for the future seems more reckless than not planning for anything at all. I’ve been a person to never plan a thing, I play everything as it’s dealt, and I couldn’t be happier with the overall circumstance of my existence. I’m not a rich man by conventional standards, but I have more locked away in my heart and in my mind that all the money in the world wouldn’t be able to replicate. It’s for these reasons I can now understand that story, and the idiosyncrasies that seem to define me. Yeah everyone is different, and no one is ever going to be the same as those around them, but I don’t even know if I come from any specific mold.
I’ve looked so hard for the route I need to take to find my own happiness, I’ve never really thought that looking for the route is pointless, I need only to keep walking, one foot in front of the next, for I am here, I’m on a pursuit of happiness already, there’s no need for me to look, it’s what I’m doing already.